


Disarm Me

by sociologize



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 10:14:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16514414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sociologize/pseuds/sociologize
Summary: Seth narrowed his eyes, already gearing up for a fight.  "I can't just leave it at this.  You know I can't.""Can't you?"  Where Seth's voice had gone sharp and defensive, Finn's stayed cool and calm and Seth hated it.  Finn was always so calm, even after nights like this when he had every right not to be and it drove Seth crazy sometimes.  How Finn could keep himself together so effortlessly, especially when Seth felt like he was falling apart at the seams.(Set after the October 29, 2018 episode of RAW)





	Disarm Me

It was likely due to the amount of travel they did, but wrestlers were creatures of habit.  Regardless of the city, they had their preferred places to eat and hang out, relax and sleep, so and so forth.  Places that, as time passed, began to hold enough of a sense of familiarity that they became something of a home away from home, enough of a comfort after a long night in the ring, good or bad.  And when you've been in the business for as long as some wrestlers have been, you had back-ups when your usual comforts were unavailable or you needed to be alone. Back-ups and back-ups for our back-ups just in case, other options to turn to when you needed to get away.

To say that Seth knew all of Dean's habits would have been an understatement; he'd been to all of them at one point or another over the years, just like Dean had been to his.  And while he didn't know _exactly_ where Dean would choose to go once he stepped out of the arena, Seth had a mental list of places he _could_ be and that was something.  It was a start, a very important one, and it was that thought that powered him to the back, through the curtain and to his locker room, to get to his bag and change.  He couldn't just leave things how they ended in the ring, and Seth planned to use every bit of useless Dean Ambrose knowledge he had stored in his brain to track him down and get him to _talk to him_.

But he wasn't alone; it hadn't slipped his mind, exactly, but with his mind occupied with other things, twisting it all into one, giant mess of anger and hurt and emotion, he still paused for a breath before pushing forward.

"You look like shit."  He muttered as he reached his bag, immediately pulling things out without his usual grace.  It was hurried and quick and he didn't care, because he wanted to change and get out of there as quickly as possible, and a part of him felt bad about it.

He felt bad, because as he glanced over with a frown at Finn, who was hunched over on the other bench with an ice pack pressed to his neck, he realized he'd be abandoning him here after the rough night _he_ had.  Seth took a deep breath and shoved down the anger, shoved down the hurt and guilt and everything else boiling underneath his skin for the moment and let his focus turn to Finn instead.  It was easier than he thought it'd be.

Finn huffed at him, something that was almost a laugh and shrugged the shoulder he wasn't icing.  "Not as bad as it looks." He answered in a voice that was still rough from his match, and it only served to deepen Seth's frown.  "I promise."

For all that his mind that had been completely occupied with this - _situation_ with Dean, Seth had taken the time to breathe and settle himself by paying attention Finn's match with Lashley - something he'd always done, whenever Finn was on the card.  It had only served to anger him more - no, anger him in a different way; the way Lashley had been brutal and ruthless, the way Rush had slapped and humiliated Finn while Lashley held him in place, the way they'd both left in the ring after, like he was simply just another opponent on Lashley's growing list of victories.  Like neither of them realized Finn would be back at them next with with a vengeance. He felt that same anger stirring in the back of his mind and tried to quiet it.

"You sure?"  He forced his voice into something softer, and for one brief moment there was nothing else in his head except for his concern for Finn.  It was a silence _Are you all right?_ In not as many words, because physical injuries were one thing; bruised pride was another.

"I'm sure."  Finn's response was immediate, a faint smile on his face.  It wasn't completely genuine; it wasn't one of those bright, blinding smiles Seth felt warm him from the inside, but it wasn't completely forced either.  It was just enough that Seth could trust that Finn meant it, even if Seth could tell not everything was as okay as Finn wanted him to believe.

Finn had a way of disarming concern and Seth had gotten pretty good at seeing past the defenses, at peeking past the masks Finn put up when he didn't really need or want people worrying about him.  Unlike Seth, Finn didn't just brush off concern when it was offered to him; he gentle dissuaded it with reassurance and his bright smile. He was good at it, even if Seth was just as good at seeing when he was doing it.

Like now.  Seth gave him a faint nod, but he made a mental note to pull himself out of whatever mess he threw himself into later and check on Finn again, just to make sure.

"What about you?"  Finn asked as Seth turned back to his bag and picked up his jeans, changing into them.  He stilled as he was shoving his ring gear into his bag. "I'm not the only one who looks like shit, mate."

He couldn't help the way his shoulders hunched, tense and guarded despite his best efforts.  It wasn't as if he didn't know what he looked like; he'd seen the dark circles under his eyes, the pale skin of his face, the way he looked looked like was on the verge of tears no matter how angry he felt or how true or untrue that actually was - he _knew_.  

"I'm all right."  He managed to get out in as close to an even tone as he could.  He could feel the anger bubbling up again, simmering underneath his skin, and this time he didn't try to push it down.

He'd been so focused on stuffing his clothes back into his bag he hadn't noticed Finn pushing to his feet and coming over until he felt his hand on his arm and - Seth had to change the subject.  He had to change the subject because he knew Finn was going to _ask_ and he had to - he had to hold onto all that anger and hurt before Finn diffused it somehow.  He _needed_ it, because he had a plan in his head, one that formed as soon as he stepped out of the ring and back into gorilla and every cell in his body was yelling at him to follow it through.

His heart wanted - no, it _needed_ an answer from Dean Ambrose, no matter what.

"I'm all right."  He repeated it again, more falsely assured this time, and his hand found Finn's, taking it off his arm to bring it up to lips, kissing his knuckles before releasing it.  He quickly pulled on his hoodie. "You can take the rental back if you want when the show's over. I think I'm gonna head out early, I have to - there's something I have to take care of."

He turned back to his bag to zip it up and hid a wince, because that didn't sound calm at all, there was a note of anger and intent in his voice, the promise of something behind his words that he tried and failed to hide.  But he found that he didn't really care, either; not when all he wanted to do was grab his brother - former brother? - and shake him until the words spilled out of him, until Dean either answered him or punched him or did _something_ that wasn't sneering at him from up in the stands from what felt like miles away.

It wasn't until he turned back that he realized that Finn was still standing there, regarding him calmly.  Seth hefted his bag up onto his shoulder and braced himself for - he wasn't sure. "Yeah?" Finn even sounded calm, nothing given away in his voice.  "Is that really a good idea?"  
  
Seth narrowed his eyes, already gearing up for a fight.  "I can't just leave it at this. You _know_ I can't."

"Can't you?"  Where Seth's voice had gone sharp and defensive, Finn's stayed cool and calm and Seth hated it.  Finn was always so calm, even after nights like this when he had every right not to be and it drove Seth crazy sometimes.  How Finn could keep himself together so effortlessly, especially when Seth felt like he was falling apart at the seams.

"I can't."  Seth confirmed, _insisted_ , his grip on his bag going white-knuckled with how tightly he was holding onto it.  He felt like a fight was about to break out even though he knew it wouldn't and despite that he let some of the anger spill over, some of the desperation he'd felt over the past week as he'd played out last week's events over and over through his mind, and it took every bit of willpower he had not to let it overflow completely.  "I need to _talk_ to him or - or find him and punch an answer out of him or _something_ , I can't just - I can't just leave it at this, Finn.  I _can't_."  His voice cracked on the last word and he snapped his mouth shut, sucking in a sharp breath through his nose.

And Finn - god, he didn't even _flinch_ when Seth raised his voice, he just stood there and absorbed it all, the only thing given away at all in his expression being his concern, all aimed at Seth.  Seth was too steps away from taking all of his anger out on Finn and all Finn had for him was concern and it _hurt_.

"I get it."  Finn said quietly as he reached up, fingers light against Seth's cheek, a there and gone touch to draw his head down so they were looking at each other - because Seth had looked away again, from the concern he couldn't quite look directly at.  "But don't you think you've punished yourself enough tonight?"

"I'm not - " It was the sound of his own voice that stopped him, rough and harsh and Seth squeezed his eyes shut to reign himself in.  Try to shove down the hurt that had been haunting him all week and this new, strange hurt Finn's concern caused, all of it rising to rise with the anger he was trying to keep all under a tight hold.  He swallowed hard and shook his head quickly, because he couldn't - he _wouldn't_ think like that, not when he wasn't even sure if this was his fault.  He wasn't sure but he was sure, in some sense, because it had to be, didn't it?  He'd done something to break them, him and Dean, and he had to _know_ , and finding Dean and getting an answer out of him was the only way to _know._

"I have to go."  Seth said abruptly and leaned in to press a quick kiss to Finn's cheek before he turned on his heel to head for the door, a quick escape before something snapped, before the tenuous hold he had on his emotions shattered to pieces.

"Then I'll go with you."  Seth stopped short at Finn's answer, immediate and calm as if Seth hadn't just tried to run away, hadn't almost broken down, and turned to watch as Finn walked over to his own belongings to grab his coat.

The thought of Finn coming with him made something twist in his chest, made his stomach drop and make him sick and was exactly enough to keep him rooted to the spot.  He shook his head as his jaw worked, as Finn ignored him and continued to get ready and picked up his bag, until finally Seth managed to sputter out - "Absolutely not.  No way."

"Why not?"  There was a tiny bit of challenge hidden within the calm tone Finn had kept this entire time, and Finn stopped right in front of Seth and tilted his head up at him, eyebrows raised.  "I obviously can't stop you, so I'm coming with you instead."

Every bit of anger he'd felt towards himself, towards Dean, at this entire fucking shitty situation left him in an instant, replaced so quickly with something else he couldn't quite name at first that it left him feeling dizzy and unbalanced, made his stomach churn and his chest tighten further.  And Finn didn't act at all like what he'd said had completely derailed every train of thought in Seth's head, sent it all careening off the tracks and creating a brand new mess in his head that he had _no idea_ how to even begin to clean up.

Then it hit him what it was and he could _feel_ himself pale a little: it was fear.

It was one thing for him to go after Dean; he was used to it, albeit he wasn't the one who had been the one to give chase, once upon a time.  But he knew Dean and he knew what Dean was capable of, years ago and now. He'd experienced it on Monday, the brutality that this new, different Dean was capable of, and - as much as he didn't _want_ to, he knew he could handle it, if it meant getting answers.  He could do it, when it was directed just at him. He was still convinced that he somehow deserved it, had done something to provoke it, and that was - that was fine, he could take it all.

But the thought of Finn getting involved and being on the end of all that anger Dean had - it was a ridiculous notion to even consider in the first place, because Finn wasn't _fragile_.  The man could and _had_ kicked Seth's ass on a good night and there was little doubt he could kick Dean's ass too.  He was the first Universal champion for god's sake, former NXT champion, all the accolades and more he earned across the world to go with the litany of useless buzzwords commentary threw around.  But Seth couldn't - he _wouldn't_ put Finn in that position.  He couldn't let himself do it because he would never, ever forgive himself.  And he was already having a hard time handling the pile of guilt that had resurfaced in the last few weeks, a pile that he'd intentionally and unintentionally added to, already weighing him down so much that sometimes he felt like he was drowning.

"Don't do this."  Seth whispered, because he didn't trust what his voice would sound like if it went any louder.  Even like this it sounded rough and desperate, frayed at the edges. "You can't - you can't come with me.  You can't get involved with this."

"I'm not letting you go alone, Seth."  Finn was unyielding, as he always was when he stubbornly set his mind on something, but something in his expression gentled as he reached out to seek Seth's hand.  His fingers tangled with Seth's and Seth wondered if he held it tightly enough it would stop his own hand from shaking.

Seth wasn't one to plead, at least not like this.  He usually didn't let his emotions get the better of him, he normally kept a tight rein on things because - because he was supposed to be the Architect, the man with a plan and all that, and you couldn't plan accordingly if your heart was running the show.  But that was all he could hear in his voice as he thought about Dean laying even a finger on Finn because he'd been foolish enough to let him come along, because of _him_ \- "I don't want him to hurt you."  

Seth cut himself off there, because he wasn't sure what else would come out if he kept talking.  His head was already a mess of feelings and words and emotions, too many to name, and he was almost afraid the wrong thing would slip out, just like it had in the ring with Dean.  But that had been to get a reaction; this was something else, and he was already afraid of what Finn would even say to just this, him blatantly not wanting him there like he couldn't defend himself if something _did_ happen.  

It wasn't protecting Finn.  But it was protecting Finn.

"I know."  Finn's quiet voice broke through Seth's thoughts, fingers squeezing tight around Seth's.  It was understanding and so, _so_ gentle, like he wasn't offended at all when he _should_ be.  Seth wanted to tell him to be angry at him, to be upset or something else that wasn't this.  "But if you go, I go. So why don't you come back with me to the hotel instead, yeah?"

Finn wasn't just good at disarming other people's concern; he was good at disarming Seth, too, in moments like this when he felt like he was spiraling out of control.  He was good at it, and Seth hated it, and he'd let Finn do it without even realizing it, again.

No matter how desperately he tried to grasp at it the fight just left him, slinking out of him as quickly as it had appeared in the ring, leaving him feeling exhausted and miserable and every other bad feeling he'd been trying to ignore.  He slumped and hung his head, and didn't fight it when Finn's other hand found the back of his neck, pulling him close to rest his forehead against his shoulder. He let out a shuddering sigh, because without the anger all that was left was the hurt.

He still wanted to find Dean, go to every bar and diner and hotel he knew Dean liked to frequent, hunt him all night if that's what it took until he got the answer he wanted, but - he couldn't do that if the anger was gone, because that had been the fuel he needed to do it, to drive him into the mindless focus he needed to pull it off.  It was still there, of course; it wouldn't just _leave_ , not until he really did get an answer, but it had subsided for now, deep underneath the rest of the emotions circling in his head in a place he wouldn't be able to drag it up from again, at least not tonight.  He couldn't even find the anger to direct at Finn for diffusing the whole thing, because it just - wasn't there. It was just exhaustion, so deep he felt it in his damn soul. His head and his heart and his soul just _ached._

"Okay."  Seth finally muttered, the words barely making it out his throat around the emotion choking him up.  He let himself lean into Finn and the other man took the weight effortlessly, standing up straighter and circling his arm around his waist instead with one last squeeze to his neck.  "Okay. Hotel sounds good."  
  
"Okay."  Finn turned his head to kiss his cheek and held him for a moment longer before he carefully drew away, and when Seth chanced a look at him, expecting - anything, maybe disappointment or even anger on his part, all he got instead was a small, tentative but still bright smile.

  


It wasn't that far a drive to the hotel but Seth considered escaping to find Dean ambrose a total of three more times before they finally got up to their room, and each time all it took was one glance at Finn to change his mind.  One glance and a reminder that Finn would be right on his heels and the very real fear of what could happen, and every time Seth would jerk his head away to look out the window again before Finn could notice.

Did that make him weak?  Strong? He'd always thought it was love that made him weak but then last year and the last few months had proven that wrong, he thought.  Now he wasn't sure, at least when it came to Dean and - whatever was left of their brotherhood, if there was anything left at all. And with Finn - using that word was still a new thing, tentative and frightening and exciting all at once, and he didn't want to think it made him weak but he was never really good at love anyway.  But then again, his mind was a mess and it was so hard to focus on anything anymore, drained as he was, without it leading right back to Dean God, if only he could turn his brain _off_.

But Finn was patient with him, _always_ patient.  He didn't seem to care that Seth wasn't in the mood for conversation, filling the silence between them with idle chatter about whatever interesting thing they were driving past if it caught his eye, or a song on the radio he seemed to like.  Seth only had it in him to answer in vague hums and grunts but Finn took them as full responses, every so often reaching over to touch his arm or pat his knee, like they were having a conversation instead and it was perfectly normal.

When they got into the room Seth just sat down heavily on the bed - more like Finn directed him there, when seth just stood still after setting his luggage down, lost in his own mind.  He half-watched Finn move around the room, setting their bags in the corner and pulling out what he wore for bed. It was almost like their usual routine, except Seth wasn't doing a damn thing.

He wasn't doing anything.  And he had to do - something.  Or else he'd sit there all night and get lost in his head if he let himself and he - he couldn't do that.  He couldn't do that to himself again, like he'd done last week, because it'd been _hell_.  And he couldn't do that to Finn, either, who didn't deserve to deal with it at all.

So when Finn pulled his shirt off and Seth's eyes caught the still angry red of his neck and shoulder, leftover from his match with Lashley, it was something he could focus on, a needed, if brief distraction to take his mind off everything else.  With a frown he sat up straighter and shrugged out of his hoodie, tossing it in the direction of the chair in the corner and made a gesture to the bed. "Hey, come sit down. Let me - I've got some of that muscle rub left over in my bag, for your shoulder."

Finn gave him a curious look, halfway through pulling a T-shirt on, but he nodded and paused and came over to the bed, crawling up onto it to sit crosslegged as Seth practically scrambled over to his belongings to pull the little jar out.  This was - good, this was a good thing. He could focus on this and Finn and let his mind go blank and put all of his attention on someone who deserved it right now and it'd be fine. Everything would be fine.

It wasn't all that out of the ordinary, honestly; Finn had done this for him once or twice and Seth had done the same for him, on one night or another when they'd come back limping or aching badly enough.  Late night visits to the ice machine were practically apart of their routine, so setting himself in front of Finn with a jar of strange-smelling muscle rub was just normal. Routine. And he could do routine.  He _needed_ routine.

"Takin' care of me, huh?"  Finn gave him a smile that Seth somehow managed to return and he shrugged a shoulder as he scooped some of the gel onto his fingers, letting it sit there for a moment to warm up.

"I _did_ see your match, you know."  He muttered and leaned forward, rubbing the gel into Finn's skin, careful and as gently as he could.  "He did a number on you."

"Yeah, well."  Finn's opposite shoulder twitched into a shrug, his smile going lopsided.  "It won't happen next time."

Seth didn't doubt that, but Seth had almost forgotten that he had Lashley on Tuesday nights too, and was fairly sure they'd meet again on Monday too, or even the following one, depending on what went down on Friday.  He made a face.

"Maybe next time you should take that Rush kid out first."  Seth wasn't usually one to suggest tactics like that - or at least, not in a long time.  Those days were behind him, but every now and then it was fair game, when the odds were stacked against you, when all you were doing was making it an even playing field.  It was a Shield tactic, and that was what they - no. There was no Shield anymore, was there? It was just him. He swallowed that thought down _hard_.  "Or - if you need some back-up - "

Finn laughed, a soft puff of noise that disturbed some of the hair that had fallen into his face.  "Are you going to come out and protect me there, too?" It was teasing, the kind that normally would have Seth huffing and laughing along, but Seth knew he'd been caught.  The words had been carefully chose for a reason, not to blame and not to shame him, but simply to let him know that Finn knew exactly what Seth had been up to earlier. "I think you have your hands full at the moment."  Finn continued, softer, before his face broke out into one of those bright grins. "Besides, Bayley would get mad at me if I didn't ask her first."

Seth couldn't help but laugh a little, too, and a part of him was surprised he was still capable of it tonight.  "Wouldn't want _Bayley_ mad at you."  He murmured, amused at the thought of their friend getting mad at Finn for literally anything.

They lapsed into a somewhat comfortable silence after that, Seth carefully working the muscle rub into Finn's shoulder and neck and Finn' sitting still, only moving here and there to tilt his head when Seth directed him.  And Seth let his mind go blissfully blank, just focusing on the task at hand. And it was nice, to be able to do something for someone he cared about without his thoughts getting in the way. But he knew it wouldn't last long, no matter how long he tried to draw it out.  It never did.

Finishing up, Seth wiped his fingers off on his jeans and closed up the jar, leaned over to set on the table next to the bed.  He was just settling back and considering changing for bed when Finn spoke up, breaking their silence.

"Do you want to talk about it?"  Finn's tone was quiet, curious and just a touch concerned and his expression matched.  And there was something else there, something Seth found incredibly difficult to look away from, always did when Finn looked at him like that.  Like if he did look away, it would confirm or deny something and he didn't know what it was and that frightened him.

Finn had made the same offer last week, when Seth had dragged his battered body backstage, numb and wrecked and out of his mind and hadn't realized he'd made it all the way to his locker room until two warm arms circled his shoulders and murmured into his shoulder, apologies and promises and other things Seth didn't really remember.  Finn had been just as careful and gentle then, too, and when he'd offered to listen Seth had turned him down. And Finn - god, Seth didn't _deserve him_ \- had given him space the entire week to sort his head out, even if Seth hadn't even bothered trying.

"I keep thinking it's my fault."  He wanted to say _no_ , wanted to say _I don't want to talk about it_ , any number of things that would change the subject instead of what came out instead.  He swallowed hard, but this time it did nothing to push down the way it made his chest feel heavy, the way his eyes started stinging.  He thought he'd cried himself last week but every time he thought he couldn't do it anymore, he'd proved himself wrong. His voice was weak, a wrecked, raspy croak.  "It is, right? It's - I fucked it up somehow, that's why he - that's gotta be why all of this is happening, right?"

Finn's hands came up to frame his face as he scooted closer, so close that he was practically sat in seth's lap and he leaned in until they were almost nose to nose.  Seth shut his eyes tightly, willed himself not to cry and not to jerk away because - because what Finn was about to say should hurt. It should be honest and it should be the truth and it should _hurt_.  Because Seth had been nothing but truthful with himself and it hurt every time.

"I don't think it's your fault, Seth."  It was an answer he both did and didn't expect and he felt a shudder go down his spine at the words, at the quiet, still gentle tone Finn used.  "But I can't tell you why it happened. All I can do is listen to what you think, yeah?" He paused and tilted Seth's head up just enough to brush their lips together, barely a kiss.  "And tell you when I think you're being stupid. How can you blame yourself when even you don't know why it happened?"

"Because I have a history of fucking things up?"  Seth answered with a watery laugh. He wanted to duck away from Finn's look but Finn's hands were firm on his face, not letting him move away, so he shut his eyes instead.  "Because I put him through so much _shit_ maybe he never - and it's just coming out now -"

"Seth."  Finn's voice silenced him.  "It's startin' to sound like you _want_ him to blame you."  Despite the words there was no accusation in the tone, simply an observation and yet Seth winced all the same.  Because it was true; at least if Dean blamed him then he could _deal_ with that.

"Like I said, I can't tell you why."  Finn kept talking and Seth felt his thumbs brush over his cheeks - for a wild moment he thought he'd started crying again but no, no he was all cried out, thank god, it was just a gesture to sooth.  "Could be a lot of things, right? I don't know Ambrose as well as you do. But I know _you_ pretty well, and I know that if you keep blaming yourself like this it'll swallow you whole.  And then the real answer won't matter anymore."

He can remember, clear as day, the moment he stepped foot into rehab after his knee gave out when confronting Hunter and seeing Finn and the way his heart had stopped, how panic had set in; he'd apologized for injuring him, of course, probably a dozen times since their match at Summerslam, but that had been before everything had changed, because _he'd_ changed, and before his guilt for that and for so many other things hung like a noose around his neck, just waiting to hang him.  Just waiting for Seth to hang himself.

And as soon as they'd been alone Seth had tried to apologize again, to do in person and put every ounce of sincerity he had in him behind the words, because he'd taken months away from Finn's career and what should have been a lengthy title reign . . . and Finn had cut him off before he'd even gotten past _I'm sorry_.  Finn had laughed and smiled and patted him on the shoulder, _really, don't worry about it, mate_ like it was nothing.  Like it had been nothing.

Sometimes Seth still wondered at that, even now.  How Finn just _forgave_ him like that, so easily.  It didn't eat him up inside, but it still made his heart ache sometimes, just a little.  He wasn't sure if it was the good ache or the bad ache, either. Or if it was both.

But that had been where Finn had first learned just how deep Seth's guilt could run, how held onto it like a lifeline.  With certain things he'd done, certain people he'd wronged or hurt, Seth made sure he never let himself forget it, and as Finn and Seth grew closer Finn learned the little details to go along with it all, either from Seth himself or from watching him.  And Seth knew, because Finn would always ask. Like he was cataloguing it; which should have set Seth on the defensive, but it never did. Because Finn wasn't like that, wasn't like Seth used to be. He didn't use that information as a weapon.

So with this, with _Dean_ , Finn knew how deep the guilt took root - maybe not in words, because there were still some things Sth couldn't bring himself to talk about, but Finn knew enough.  And it never failed to make Seth wonder why he cared. Why would he care about that, accept this part of Seth too, when all Seth knew was that if he was on the other side he'd be off running in a heartbeat?

Seth took a deep breath, realizing he hadn't actually answered Finn yet.  "It's not going to swallow me whole." He muttered, a little petulant. "Don't be dramatic."

It was a weak and pointless argument when Finn was right, but he had to anyway.  He always had to.

"Then prove it."  was Finn's gentle challenge, and he leaned up to press a kiss to Seth's forehead.  Seth shuddered again, and without having to tell them his hands went to grasp at Finn's shoulders, one tight and the other gentle, careful.  "Prove me wrong." Finn put just a little more challenge into his voice, and were this any other conversation on any other night, Seth would curse him for it.

"I'll - " He stopped, swallowed hard, and started again.  "I'll try. No promises."

It wasn't what Finn wanted, he knew.  It wasn't what he wanted either. He wanted to make it a promise, wanted to say yeah, he wouldn't let this whole mess in his head get the better of him.  But if tonight proved anything it was that he was pretty shit at not letting his emotions getting one over on him lately, especially when it came to people he cared about too much.

"I'll take it."  Finn smiled at him, a small, blindingly bright thing and Seth was struck with the sudden urge to kiss him, _really_ kiss him, not just a brush of lips or a quick peck.  So he leaned in and did it, and it felt like it had been forever and a day since they'd really kissed even when it'd only been a few hours.

"Get changed and come back to bed."  Finn murmured against his lips, and Seth wanted to argue that he didn't think he'd be able to sleep even with how exhausted he felt, but instead he just nodded and reluctantly drew away to go change.

He shut off the main lights on his way back as Finn drew down the covers, but he didn't wait for Seth to crawl back in - as soon as Seth was close enough he reached out to grab his wrist and tug him down, ignoring Seth's yelp of surprise.  Seth flailed a little until he felt Finn's arms wrap around his shoulders with a chuckle, and all he could do was huff quietly and shift as much as he could to find a more comfortable position. It found him settled with his head mostly on Finn's shoulder, half his weight on Finn and on the bed.  "This can't be comfortable." He muttered.

I'm plenty comfortable."  Finn said with a laugh and freed a hand to run his fingers through Seth's hair, pushing it out of his face.  They weren't like this all the time; overly touchy and affectionate, and when they were it was mostly kept to the privacy of their shared hotel and locker rooms.  But lately . . . lately, one or both of them had made the silent decision to step it up, in a sense. Maybe because of everything that had been going on lately? Seth wasn't sure.  It wasn't a complaint by any means, but more of an observation because it had quickly slid right into their routine, too. Their habits. Just like they had their places to eat and stay, just like they had their little nightly rituals, they had this - and it was becoming more and more common, the longer they were together.  

"You're ridiculous."  Seth huffed with no heat whatsoever.  He flopped an arm around Finn to hold him close and hold himself closer to him, because with everything going on, at least this - at least _Finn_ , was the one thing in his life that made sense.  For what felt like the thousandth time that night he told himself he didn't deserve him and this time he gave voice to the thought.  "I don't know why you put up with me sometimes."

"Now who's ridiculous?"  Finn's response was immediate, easy and light and soft like every other time Seth had said it, when the words had slipped out or when Seth had voiced them because he had to.  Finn leaned down to kiss the top of his head. "It's because I like you, remember? Pretty sure that's why."  
  
"Only pretty sure?"  Seth hummed, letting himself - or forcing himself - to try and relax.

Finn hummed, and Finn wiggled underneath him to sit up as little as possible as he reached for the light near the bed, plunging the room into darkness.  "You'll have to remind me why in the morning before your flight."

It was just their usual, casual banter, the kind of easy almost-flirting they'd had since they started being friends and shifting into something more than that, but as Seth opened his mouth to respond he paused.  The weight that had been sitting in his chest all night, the feelings that had been choking him up and the hurt bubbling beneath his skin, threatening to rip him apart or break him down or any other number of lame cliches . . . it was still there, and it'd still be there in the morning for sure, for the next week, until the next however long until he got the answer he needed but - it wasn't suffocating anymore.  It wasn't as sharp, as desperate, and he felt like he could breathe just a little easier, like one wrong word wouldn't set him off.

Finn had, somehow, _again_ , dismantled the mess in his head enough for him function at some level of normal so easily, so expertly, that Seth hadn't realized it had happened until he was finished and they were about to go to sleep.  Hadn't even _hinted_ at doing it, because Finn didn't do that.  He never acknowledged it, he simply did it, and left it for Seth to figure out.

Seth ignored the protesting noise Finn made as he moved, shoving an elbow underneath him to lean up, letting his eyes adjust to the dark before he shifted up enough to kiss him.  Not like before; not the desperate, press of lips from earlier or the soft, brief pecks they shared throughout the day. No, this one meant something else, a replacement for words he wasn't quite ready to say just yet.  Especially not now, when his heart felt so battered.

But he could do this, let his actions speak for him where his words would only fail him, press his lips against Finn's, let his hand cup his cheek and kiss him until the only reason he had to break away was because he needed to breathe, or else he'd kiss him forever.  

Because he didn't deserve Finn.  But maybe, one day, he could get into the habit of thinking that he did.  
  
"Yeah."  He said, voice breathless and weak and barely a whisper.  "Yeah, I'll remind you in the morning."

**Author's Note:**

> "Did you run to your second favorite pairing because your favorite is full of sad?"  
> No but the THE SAD FOLLOWED ME ANYWAY.


End file.
